my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
