smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Randomize
