my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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