I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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