I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
