Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Randomize
