there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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