I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize