so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
