her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
i think i just lost a toe
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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