sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
