I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
