It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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