We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
