Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
