1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
