then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
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