you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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