4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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