had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
