forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
