my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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