Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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