im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
