Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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