Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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