Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
