Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
