Will you blow on my dice?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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