Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
