those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
