we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
