guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
