If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
