dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
