Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
