Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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