She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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