she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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