there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
