Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
