Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
