My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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