I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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