Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
