there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
