Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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