plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
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