I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
