It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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