I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
