just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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