Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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