Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
this just has baby written all over it
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Randomize
