So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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