Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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