my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
