don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
