Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
